Ah, Hopeless Romantics

No wonder I haven't found the right woman yet. I haven't thought to resort to arson, kidnapping or attempted murder. That's the real way to a woman's heart.

At least I assume it is based on a couple of news stories I read today. In the first one, a guy set fire to the house where his lover and her partner lived. After she visited him in prison, she decided, hey, what the hell, I'll marry him. The best part? This isn't some 19-year-old dumbass. The arsonist in question is 56 years old! But we'll give him bonus points for his great name, Cornelius Frieslick, and assume that it's the reason he's getting a second chance at, um, making his girl all hot.

Our second contestant, kidnapped and shot his now-betrothed. This guy shot her and then held her prisoner in the garage for six days. And while it's crazy enough that she thinks they're "soul mates," there's also the fact that the guy's parents tried to cover up the whole thing and were charged as accessories. He must be really, really loveable I guess.

So forget about online dating, singles bars and the like. Just head over to Wal-Mart, get yourself some rope, gasoline or a nice new handgun and who knows, maybe love will find you, too.