Dissin' Dakota

I was reading something online today about that child actor, Dakota Fanning, who is in that scary movie with DeNiro, if I remember correctly.

And it just suddenly pissed me off that her name is Dakota. What is she, one of Bruce Willis’ kids? Do Rumor and Scout have a sister they don’t know about?

But I digress.

My point is this: There is no two-word state that you should be able to split up and use as a name, with the possible exception of Carolina, and then only if you live in a Spanish-speaking country.

Plus, why stop there? How ridiculous would it be if we started splitting up one-word states and using those parts for names?

LaWare, maybe? Perhaps Nebra could be the new Debra. Or you could address an envelope one day to Miss Issippi Smith.

But then I started thinking about this more and realized we already have a bunch of names like that (not even counting such obvious ones as Maryland, Louisiana, the Virginias, or even Wyoming, which sort of sounds like Yao Ming).

Take Ana, for instance, the last lonely part of Montana. Now, I could invoke the Spanish-speaking country rule here as well, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt, even without the double N.

There’s also the old-old-school name Ida, which is only missing a ho, and then you’ve got yourself a state. Or a really slutty grandma.

And how about Egon, which as we all know finishes up Oregon.

Of course, you’re never going to end up talking to anyone named Egon, unless you often travel with a proton pack on your back and are “fuzzy on the whole good-bad thing.”

So the point here is, we’re all screwed. We can’t control this whole name thing. Except me. My kids will simply be numbered.