Now Starting at Linebacker, Jesus Christ!

It’s a sad day when you realize that there is a whole bunch of slang that you simply don’t know. At least I’m assuming there is based on this list of things the NFL shop won’t put on a jersey for you.

Some of them are obvious (let’s just say the portion of the list that begins with ‘F’ is extensive). But some are mystifying.

Take for instance “Glazed Donut,” which is one of the banned phrases. Do I even want to know what that means? (For those of you unfamiliar with rhetorical questions, the answer is no). The others aren’t necessarily words I don’t know, just words that I don’t understand how they got on the list.

For instance, “Masterbate” is on the banned list, yet “Masturbate” is not. So basically, if you can spell correctly, you are free to advertise to the world that you enjoy pleasuring yourself. Also, “Easy Slut” is on the list, for those who can’t resist redundancy.

For those who want to delve into ebonics, “Datnigga” is banned, whereas there is no listing prohibiting “Disnigga.” So basically it’s just a matter of where you’re standing.

“Kumquat” is not allowed, as the NFL obviously has something against small citrus fruits.

Also forbidden is “JesusChrist,” thus ending his dreams of a career in pro football after he gets that whole resurrection thing taken care of. The saddest part about that is, now we’ll never know whom his opponents would thank after the game. I imagine it’s hard to give all thanks to Jesus after he returns a punt for a touchdown on your ass.

Then there are some basic ones: you can’t get “Carruth” no matter how big a fan you are of former Panthers wideout Rae Carruth, who had his baby’s mama killed. That makes sense. But why can’t you get “Sweetness” – the nickname of Bears great Walter Payton? It hardly seems to be on par with “Skankywhore” or “Crotch Jockey” (also both on the list).

You also can’t get “Mother Love Bone” because the NFL obviously thinks it’s a characterization of your mom, not a band from Seattle in the early 90s. And if your mom’s name is Pearl, you probably can’t get Pearl Jam either. Unless you’re your dad. Then it’s probably cool.

Last but not least, the banned list also features “hoser.” But that’s fine. I was saving that one for when I order my jersey from the Canadian Football League anyway.