Man In Black

Anyone ever heard of the web site MyHeritage.com, which allows you to upload a photo of yourself and then uses facial-recognition software to tell you who you look like? Well, if not, you have now. And it is gloriously hysterical.

So I upload a photo figuring, hey, why not see what celebs I look like? After all, whenever people play that game where they say who would play you in a movie, they have a hard time coming up with someone to play me (before eventually settling on Jack Black, but that is a rant for another time).

The software goes about its business, I fill out the quick registration form, and bam: here come my results. Boy, was I in for a surprise. Not just because Jack Black wasn't in any of the results (Suck it, anyone who ever said Jack Black would play me in a movie!) but because four of the top five results were black men!

Here, in order, were the top five matches:

1. Laurence Fishburne, who personally I liked better when he used to call himself Larry. Pretentious bastard!

2. Jamie Foxx, who has too many Xs in his name.

3. Joschka Fisher. First white guy alert! Of course, I have no idea who the fuck this guy is, but a quick Google search told me that apparently, he is the former Vice Chancellor of Germany. Ohhhhhhkay.

4. Will Smith. Well, I have been known to occasionally get jiggy with it. But only occasionally.

5. Jesse L. Martin, the black guy who was Jerry Orbach's partner on Law & Order.

Now, I'm no expert, but maybe, just maybe, this facial-recognition software is flawed. Sure, the aforementioned guys are talented and handsome just like me (except the German dude -- he was a little freaky), but that just can't be right. Either that, or I need to have a serious talk with my parents about my ancestral lineage.

Either way, I'm cool with it. As Fishburne's character, Furious Styles, said in Boyz n the Hood, "Can't afford to be afraid of our own people anymore, man."