'I See Poor People'

Today, I read a story about how child star Haley Joel Osment, now 18 years old, was in a car accident on Thursday morning. On the surface, no big deal. Right?

That is, until you consider the car that Osment crashed: a 1995 Saturn! Are you shitting me? The kid was in several blockbuster movies, and he drives a 1995 Saturn?! My sixth sense tells me someone at the movie studio forgot to pay Osment's salary forward into his bank account.

But hey, maybe he just loves his Saturn, so we can cut him a break there. Until... Until... Until you read this story, which is all about how Bil-, uh, Ale-, um, Stephe-, oh, um, uh, Daniel Baldwin -- yeah, that's the one -- wrecked his Ford Thunderbird in Los Angeles.

Yeah, that's right Haley -- Daniel Freakin' Baldwin has a cooler car than you. And you don't need to see dead people to see that if you're lower on the car food chain the fourth of a group of brothers whose collective body of work (Alec's SNL hosting stints notwithstanding) stinks worse than Paris Hilton's snatch after a night on the town, you're in big, big trouble. Even a bespectacled Kevin Spacey can't help you now.