Punky Pregnant With Punk'd Producer's Progeny

I’m up in Syracuse, without much to report at the moment, but felt compelled to write, just because I saw a headline tonight that I can’t imagine I ever thought I would see. It just seems weird to see those words in print: Punky Brewster's Pregnant.

This led to other such random thoughts, like, does it qualify as ironic that Punky had breast-reduction surgery, and now they’re just gonna get bigger again? Or, is it weird that she was Punky and her husband is a producer of "Punk'd"?

And whatever happened to Brandon the Dog? Think he’s still alive?

If he’s not, I only hope there’s a separate heaven that animals go to, and within that animal heaven is yet another separate heaven for celebrity animals. You know, somewhere that Brandon, Spuds McKenzie and Morris the Cat can all hang out and swap stories with the likes of real old-schoolers like Toto and Lassie.

Ooh, and that ferret from Kindergarten Cop should get in, too. I know that was really his only starring role, but he did bite that ponytailed villain right in the jugular. That’s got to count for something. I say put him in celebrity animal heaven.

Okay, and just for fun, let’s say cartoon animals were allowed in.

And from that, a quick hypothetical: you’re the St. Peter of celebrity animal (and cartoon animal) heaven, and Dave Seville kills himself and all three of the Chipmunks in a tragic murder-suicide. But you only have room for one of the Chipmunks. Which do you let into heaven?

My vote, personally, goes to Theodore. He was sweet and innocent. And if nothing else, he gets it by process of elimination. I mean, Alvin was an out-and-out a-hole, no matter how you slice it. And I felt like Simon was sort of a wannabe goody-goody with a latent dark side. Given the opportunity, he would have whipped up some scientific way to make Alvin "disappear" so he could be the alpha-chipmunk.

What did Theodore ever do that was bad? I’ll tell you what he didn’t do. He didn’t knock up Punky Brewster.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when I’m left unattended in a hotel in Syracuse when it’s snowing out and I have nothing better to do. Peace out.

Now Starting at Linebacker, Jesus Christ!

It’s a sad day when you realize that there is a whole bunch of slang that you simply don’t know. At least I’m assuming there is based on this list of things the NFL shop won’t put on a jersey for you.

Some of them are obvious (let’s just say the portion of the list that begins with ‘F’ is extensive). But some are mystifying.

Take for instance “Glazed Donut,” which is one of the banned phrases. Do I even want to know what that means? (For those of you unfamiliar with rhetorical questions, the answer is no). The others aren’t necessarily words I don’t know, just words that I don’t understand how they got on the list.

For instance, “Masterbate” is on the banned list, yet “Masturbate” is not. So basically, if you can spell correctly, you are free to advertise to the world that you enjoy pleasuring yourself. Also, “Easy Slut” is on the list, for those who can’t resist redundancy.

For those who want to delve into ebonics, “Datnigga” is banned, whereas there is no listing prohibiting “Disnigga.” So basically it’s just a matter of where you’re standing.

“Kumquat” is not allowed, as the NFL obviously has something against small citrus fruits.

Also forbidden is “JesusChrist,” thus ending his dreams of a career in pro football after he gets that whole resurrection thing taken care of. The saddest part about that is, now we’ll never know whom his opponents would thank after the game. I imagine it’s hard to give all thanks to Jesus after he returns a punt for a touchdown on your ass.

Then there are some basic ones: you can’t get “Carruth” no matter how big a fan you are of former Panthers wideout Rae Carruth, who had his baby’s mama killed. That makes sense. But why can’t you get “Sweetness” – the nickname of Bears great Walter Payton? It hardly seems to be on par with “Skankywhore” or “Crotch Jockey” (also both on the list).

You also can’t get “Mother Love Bone” because the NFL obviously thinks it’s a characterization of your mom, not a band from Seattle in the early 90s. And if your mom’s name is Pearl, you probably can’t get Pearl Jam either. Unless you’re your dad. Then it’s probably cool.

Last but not least, the banned list also features “hoser.” But that’s fine. I was saving that one for when I order my jersey from the Canadian Football League anyway.