All About You

So I'm at my local Best Buy, walking around perusing the CD titles, when what do I happen upon but an absolute bargain, a downright steal, Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet for $6.99! Okay, sure I'm a loser who still enjoys random 80s hair bands. This true. But come on, it's a great album. Seriously. Hey, wait....where are you going?

Don't worry, I don't plan to wax poetic about every last track on the album. Just one. And one from another Bon Jovi album. And the big question is, has anyone in the history of music ever parlayed the overuse of rhyming the word "you" with itself like Jon Bon Jovi? I mean, obviously, we're not granting him genius lyrical status anyway considering such gems as "Our love is like a hunger, baby we'd die without it." But the man can work the shit out of y-o-u.

To wit, from Slippery When Wet's eighth track, "I'd Die For You":

I'd die for you
I'd cry for you
I'd do anything
I'd lie for you
You know it's true
Baby I'd die for you
I'd die for you
I'd cry for you
If it came right down to me and you
You know it's true, Baby I'd die for you

That's right, count 'em, EIGHT "you" sightings in that chorus. But Jon wasn't done. No, he didn't get all the "you"s out of his system on Slippery When Wet. So he and the boys came back with a vengence on their next album, New Jersey, and put out another you-filled winner in "I'll Be There For You." Here's the refrain:

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

Once again, eight times JBJ manages to use "you" in a chorus. It makes me wonder, is this some mystical number for Bon Jovi? Can he do no more and no less of the same word in a chorus? Is this a fine-print stipulation from his deal with the devil? I must have answers. In the meantime, I'll settle for waving my lighter over my head while I listen to "Never Say Goodbye."

Paging Dr. Howser...

Well, since my rant on store greeters only prompted my former store-greeter friends here to defend themselves, let's talk about a group of people that everyone finds indefensible (even though, yes, I know it's their job): telemarketers.

Let's just say life has been grand ever since signing up for the Do Not Call list. Now only companies I "do business" with can call me (you know who you are, Bell South, and no I don't want to get long-distance service). But there is still the occasional random call from people (with charities, maybe?) who are allowed to ring me up.

I got a bizarre one today, and it went a little something like this:

Telemarketer: Hi! Is the lady of the house available?
Me: There is no lady of the house. At least not that I know of.
Telemarketer: Then can I speak to the man of the house.
Me (feeling vaguely powerful and manly): You've got him.
Telemarketer: Are you under 16 years old?
Me (feeling slightly less powerful and manly): Uh, no.
Telemarketer: Oh, well. Thanks for your time.

Whose house did they think they were calling, Doogie Howser? Why would I be the man of the house and be under 16? Briefly, I worried my house was sinking and perhaps the call was to alert the women and children first to get the hell out. After a brief check of the window to confirm my porch's waterlessness, and then a quick self-reminder that I live in a second-floor townhouse, not an ocean liner, I decided I was safe.

On a total side note, it cracks me up that the guy who played Vinnie Delpino went on to play one of Tony's random helper guys in The Sopranos. Every time he was over at the house picking up Tony, I kept sitting there with my fingers crossed, hoping he might just blurt out "Hey Doog!" for no reason at all.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Although, now that I'm writing about it here, I feel vaguely Doogie-esque like when he wrote in his little computer journal at the end of each episode. Except that the only valuable lesson I've learned from all of this is never, ever mention or even think about that show unless you want to have it's cutesy little theme music stuck in your head all day.