Smokeless in Seattle (OK, not in Seattle)

Happy New Year, all! So, it’s been a little while, as I have been on some sort of unofficial holiday hiatus (read: drinking binge). But now I’m back, and everything is back to normal again.

Oh, except that I’m not smoking. That’s right. Not smoking. It’s like smoking, but the complete opposite.

Here we are on day three of the little experiment called Project Stop Blackening My Lungs and Slowly Killing Myself. Or PSBMLSKM for short. (Note how I didn’t use the “and” in my acronym, as if one more letter would have made it any more unwieldy than it already was … especially a sweet, sweet vowel.)

So anyway, PSBMLSKM is going pretty well so far, with my homicidal urges coming at several-hour intervals. I figure they’re like contractions for a pregnant woman: until I start getting them every few minutes, there is no need to seek medical attention.

I’m chewing gum, toothpicks, straws – anything I can get my hands on. If my leg was stuck in a bear trap, I think I’d gnaw through it not to free myself, but just to satisfy my oral fixation. Luckily, I don’t keep any bear traps in my living room. Anymore.

When I’m not chewing on stuff, I simply try not to think about smoking and how deliciously wonderful and delicious it is. I mean was. Like, I’ll think about this line from some show (I can’t remember which one), that goes something like: “Cigarettes killed my father…(dramatic pause)…and raped my mother.” That usually gives me a good chuckle, which helps suppress those pesky homicidal urges for another few minutes.

And as long as I can dodge all those troublesome spots in which I’d want a cigarette (i.e. – drinking coffee, drinking alcohol, after meals, walking, driving, sitting, thinking, daytime, nighttime), it should be no trouble.

Of course, I just finished breakfast, and I’m drinking a cup of coffee. But I think I can hang in there….Now, what did I do with that list of people to kill?