Ah, Hopeless Romantics

No wonder I haven't found the right woman yet. I haven't thought to resort to arson, kidnapping or attempted murder. That's the real way to a woman's heart.

At least I assume it is based on a couple of news stories I read today. In the first one, a guy set fire to the house where his lover and her partner lived. After she visited him in prison, she decided, hey, what the hell, I'll marry him. The best part? This isn't some 19-year-old dumbass. The arsonist in question is 56 years old! But we'll give him bonus points for his great name, Cornelius Frieslick, and assume that it's the reason he's getting a second chance at, um, making his girl all hot.

Our second contestant, kidnapped and shot his now-betrothed. This guy shot her and then held her prisoner in the garage for six days. And while it's crazy enough that she thinks they're "soul mates," there's also the fact that the guy's parents tried to cover up the whole thing and were charged as accessories. He must be really, really loveable I guess.

So forget about online dating, singles bars and the like. Just head over to Wal-Mart, get yourself some rope, gasoline or a nice new handgun and who knows, maybe love will find you, too.

I Think He's Saying 'Oil Can'

Flipping through television stations last night, I came upon that venerable classic, "The Wizard of Oz," during the scene in which Dorothy and the Scarecrow first get the Tin Man up and moving, causing him to do a fun song and dance, naturally.

At one point, the Tin Man freezes up on a hill and points to his right knee, at which point my just-as-venerable roommate Fitt shouts out, "He needs oil!" It was then I realized that never has there been a cast of characters in a movie that would approve more of the American war in Iraq than this bunch.

Let's start with the Tin Man: Dude needs oil. Case closed. He knows where his bread is buttered.

And of course the Scarecrow would be in favor of it -- he doesn't have a brain!

One can only assume that the Cowardly Lion would be pro-war, assuming that he doesn't have to fight in it. He can take his pretty little red bow and flower-pot crown and head to Canada, but he'd still be down.

Then, of course, there's Dorothy. As we all know she's from Kansas. Being a resident of Middle America, she is in going to be in favor of whatever the Republicans tell her to be in favor of.

Anyway, the whole thing just struck me as odd. It also made me realize we probably could have saved a lot of money and lives had we just dropped a house on Iraq. It appears to be a fool-proof method of eliminating hated dictators. But hey, live and learn, right?