The Greatest Invention Since ...

Okay,the cotton gin is cool. Nuclear power is probably pretty great, too. But people throw around the whole "greatest invention" thing around too much. I mean, sliced bread? Sure, it's convenient. But not great.

So here are a couple of nominations, albeit in the wee hours of the morning after some partying, for great inventions everyone uses but doesn't appreciate:

1. Paper towels: Come on, you spill something, you want to clean it up, and you reach for a Brawny. Or Bounty. Or something else that starts in B and ends in Y. But when it's all said and done, you don't have to wash shit. You use the "towel" and you throw it out. Brilliant.

2. Running water: Earlier today I took a shower. Many times today, I had to urinate and then somehow dispose of the result. Just a minute ago, I went and filled up a glass with water. In each of those scenarios, all I had to do was turn a knob or push a lever. The result was flowing water. Amazing.

3. Motion pictures: Maybe it's the Back to the Future III talking, but movies are pretty great. Incidentally, it's the part where Doc is dancing with that nice schoolteacher Clara. Good ol' Mary Steenburgen. Really, who doesn't love Mary Steenburgen?

Random _______ of the Day

Here's a fun game, where the blank from the headline is filled in to accomodate some useless information that no one could care less about. I'd say you could play at home, but I will have already filled in the blank repeatedly. So to speak.

1. Annoyance: The rich people who won't call me back for this freelance story I have to do about rich people who like to drive fast cars. A little quick math tells me they should be calling me back. First, they say time is money. So, in the equation Time=Money, where all these jokers have lots of money, they have lots of time. Which is to say, lots of time in which they could be calling me back but aren't. It's the transitive property, people. Work with me.

2.Thing I Got In The Mail: The Xavier University men's basketball media guide. This is what happens when you belong to the US Basketball writer's association. Lots of unwanted media guides. And lacking an unbalanced table leg, I have no use for this at all.

3. Nostalgia-Killer: They cancelled my 10-year high school reunion. Just got an email about it. No explanation in the email. Just the knowledge that it ain't happening. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like something that you had 10 years to plan shouldn't just go up on a puff of smoke one day inexplicably.

4. Thing I Didn't Expect to Read In Forbes: Many infant girls are being tested for a rare movement disorder when they're actually just masturbating. Here's the link, in case you don't believe me. This is interesting news only for the fact that so many girls claim not to masturbate. Well, ha! The joke's on you. You probably masturbated and didn't even know it. Either that or you had a rare movement disorder. So pretty much either way the joke's on you.

5. Socks: The ones I'm wearing right now. I don't remember buying them. In fact, I'm 100 percent sure I didn't. But they somehow ended up in my laundry some time ago and have been washed by me, and now they are mine I guess. They're comfy.

Sing, Sing a Song

I was thinking about my Christmas plans to drive to Florida with my brother, and I found myself wishing there was more music about Florida that we could play on the road trip.

All I came up with was Will Smith's "Welcome to Miami" which is simply not going to cut it, most notably because we're not going anywhere near Miami (my last trip there notwithstanding). And then I started thinking - what other places are in need of more songs about them? Be forewarned though. It's questions like these that will keep you in the shower about 20 minutes too long.

First off, anyplace with a band named after it is already eliminated. That's plenty of love. So sorry Boston, Kansas and Alabama (which didn't need the help anyway, thanks to Lynyrd Skynyrd - is that how you spell that?). This also knocks out Europe, courtesy of the 80s band that sang that classic sports-arena tune "The Final Countdown."

And we can eliminate Africa thanks to the Toto song from the 80s. To the best of my memory, it went something like this: "Something something something ... something AAAF-RICA!" Feel free to sing along at home. Australia's done too, after that "I come from the land down under..." song.

This leaves us with Asia and the Americas. And since in hypothetical-question world, we'll be making the music here, let's stick with the Americas (North and South, if you're scoring at home in addition to singing).

(Also, it should be noted that the Middle East is eliminated because any song about it would invariably be some shitty American-pride country song sung and listened to by Wal-Mart-shopping, giant-belt-buckle-wearing rednecks).

All small towns are eliminated, thanks to John Cougar Mellencamp's "Small Town." Nice work, Cougs. So what cities, states and countries need the recognition? Allow me to randomly decide, based on nothing other than my insatiable need to babble nonsense. Here they are, the big list of places that need songs about them:

1. Boise, Idaho. A friend of mine is moving there next week. What the hell's he supposed to listen to on his way out there? (Side note: good luck, Murph.)

2. Regina, Saskatchewan. If for no other reason than the fact that, at some point, you will almost certainly have to rhyme "Regina" with "vagina" just to keep the lyrical flow going.

3. Paraguay: Or Uruguay. Either one will work just fine.

4. California: Not really. Just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.

5. Anywhere in Alaska: Come on, Juneau you want to hear a song about Alaska!

6. Portland: Either Maine or Oregon is fine, although ideally it's a song somehow connecting the two Portlands.

7. Wilmington, Delaware: Because, even though it appears to be the postal point of origin for just about all unwanted credit-card solicitations, there has to be something else going on there. There just has to be.