Serial Cereal Stealer

It's not important how it came up (though for the record, it was in a conversation about how I could potentially resemble the Cookie Crook, of Cookie Crisp cereal fame), but the subject of the Cookie Crook and his thieving ways got me thinking: Why are so many cereals marketed via an ad campaign that constantly features someone trying to steal the cereal?

In searching for a picture of the Crook online, I stumbled across the wikipedia entry about the cereal and found the following paragraph:

The Cookie Crook was the anti-hero mascot and one of the earliest mascots for the cereal, who often attempted to steal the Cookie Crisp. He has a comb moustache, and wears a red chef's hat with cookies all over it. He also wears a black mask that goes over his face and nose, and a purple shirt.

The Cookie Crook, according to the entry, had quite a long run, serving as the scourge of cookie-like cereal lovers everywhere from 1980-1997 (and, it should be noted, went unchecked as a baked-good bad guy until Officer Crumb finally came on the scene in '83).

And then there is the long-suffering Trix rabbit, who has been trying to get ahold of a bowl of those delicious fruity orbs since 1959 (and technically he did in 1991 when tons of kids voted that he should be allowed to have a bowl). In every commercial, the rabbit is making off with a bowl only to get caught at the last second.

And poor Lucky the Leprechaun, always being chased by kids. Those lousy little bastards are relentless in their pursuit of that little Irishman and his tasty marshmallow pieces.

It makes me wonder why other other cereals -- or other products entirely, for that matter -- don't try this approach. You know why no one likes Grape Nuts? Because a cartoon character has never tried to steal a bowl of it.

Why hasn't the auto industry gotten on top of this? Why keep driving cars over crazy mountain terrain or through a closed course of obstacles in commercials? Get creative. Get a cartoon mascot. Maybe a masked man who uses a coat hanger to break into the car (let's say, a 1995 Honda Civic, our country's most-stolen car) and drives off just as the owner returns to lament, "He jacked my Civic!" See? Loveable scamp of a cartoon mascot, catchy slogan, and the overall sense that you will be buying a car that's desireable. I mean, who wants a car that thieves don't even want?

Someone needs to implement this plan immediately -- it's magically delicious.

Most Wanted

Well, the early reviews are in on the glasses, and the first two were just fine. It was the third, from my mom, that was the most disturbing.

Her: "You look like you should be on the wall at the post office."
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "You look like a serial killer."
Me: "Oh."

Needless to say, not the look I was going for. Also, I'm just hoping that no serial killing occurs in the greater Chapel Hill area for fear that I will immediately become a prime suspect. On the upside, when pushed, Mom eventually conceded that I looked like a good-looking serial killer. Thanks, Mom.

Four Eyes

Maybe the reason I haven't posted very much lately is not because I'm totally lazy but simply because I couldn't see what I would be typing.

Okay, okay. It's the first reason. I'm lazy. But it could just as easily have been the latter. You see, for the first time in my life, I will be wearing glasses, starting tomorrow. I won't need them all the time, just for covering games and night driving, mostly.

The main problem is that I have trouble doing what physicians call "seeing stuff." Specifically, stuff that's far away. For instance, you know the part of "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses, where Axl Rose sings, "So faaaaar away ... so faaa-aaaar awaa-aay?" Yeah, well I totally can't see that part of the song.

And I'm a little nervous, never having had glasses before in the past. But I keep telling myself there's nothing to fear, it's just some glass and plastic. I mean -- I got that type of shit in the cabinet over my sink. I just don't wear 'em on my head. The upside is that now it allows me a whole array of sight-related jokes I couldn't make previously. Like when the eye doctor said something about making sure my name was associated with my payment so she wouldn't have to come track me down.

"Yeah," I deadpanned, "but now I'd see you coming."
"And from far away!" she added giddily, after way too long a pause.

And I thought to myself, bitch, don't beat this joke into the ground. Jeez. ANYWAY, I'm pretty fired up, both for the glasses and for the great price I got at Upchurch Optical (shameless plug!) in scenic north Durham, thanks to the fact that the glasses guy is a big Tar Heels fan, and we discussed the fact that I cover them. So wish me luck with the new eyewear. I'll be seein' ya. Literally.