N-Pee-S-U

As my buddy Bartow would say, "There are many forms of class, this is just one of them." And in this case, "this" is the fact that apparently N.C. State students are just peeing wherever they want during football games. Like right there where they're sitting.

According to that AP story, contributed to by none other than my friend Aaron Beard, who last time I tried to identify him on the blog asked me to take his name out (which is why I'm purposefully putting it in this time), students are just taking a leak where they stand during football games so that they don't lose their seats. I have a couple of other theories as to why this could be happening. Perhaps the Wolfies are: a) not housebroken, or b) laughing so hard at Chuck Amato that spontaneous urination can not be avoided.

And for a moment, let us ignore the hysterically hysterical fact that the headline on the story is "N.C. State aims to keep students from urinating in seats" (get it? aim? urine? oh, forget it.) and focus on the fact that normal people don't do this. At Carolina, nobody's going to steal your seat if you leave to piss. Maybe it's because people just hold it in until late in the third quarter, so they can combine their potty break with their let's-go-to-Franklin-Street-this-team-sucks stroll out of the gates. Or maybe it's just that their civilized people.

But hey, it could be worse at N.C. State. Last year, you could get shot in the parking lot. Now the worst-case scenario is getting blasted with the ol' lemonade cannon. Way to raise the bar.

Screech, Moan ... Same Differnce

Well, I think we all knew it would come to this someday.

Maybe not when you were a kid, sitting there watching Saved By The Bell re-runs. But later, when you were older, wiser, more mature, you knew something like this would have to happen. In this internet age, where anyone remotely famous and/or remotely washed up wants their 15 minutes of fame, you just knew that Screech would one day have his own sex tape.

That's right. This morning brought us not one, but two reports (though there are probably countless more out there) that Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Samuel "Screech" Powers, has made a sex tape.

Look out, Paris! You too, Pam and Tommy! The Screech Man reportedly has a sex tape of him and two women, and here's the most disturbing part: Apparently, ol' Screecherino employs the technique known as the Dirty Sanchez in the tape. For those of you who are uninitiated in the catchy lingo for disgusting sex acts, here's the definition of a Dirty Sanchez.

The best part is that his agent thinks this will help Diamond avoid the "Screech typecast" and, hence, get more work. Unless of course Lisa Turtle is the one on the receiving end of the Poop 'Stache.

Surely, though, this plan will have to boost Diamond's career. I mean, look what being in "Showgirls" did for Elizabeth Berkeley. Now she's a huge superstar ... oh, wait. Scratch that. Oh well, at least it keeps the news entertaining.

In closing, allow me to say that I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so ... scared!

Drug-Crazed

Drugs are always a hot-button issue, but tell me, who looks crazier here: The guy who wrote a letter to the editor of the MetroWest Daily News saying that God said in the bible that reefer is a-okay, or the U.S. House, which passed a bill saying that teachers can strip search students "on the flimsiest of pretexts" as the article puts it?

(Hint: The answer is not "the guy who wrote the letter.")

So you're telling me that in a country where it seems we have (at least) weekly news reports about some horny (and often gross) 40-year-old teacher having sex with a 14-year-old boy, we're now making it easier for these teachers to have an excuse for getting in kids pants?

Excuse me, ma'am. Could you stop blowing that boy?

Oh, I'm not blowing him, Officer. I'm just, uh, um, making sure this isn't a crack pipe.

What could possibly go wrong?

Stinging Criticism

Man, it's been a while since I posted, and this is hardly a big deal to get me fired up for finally posting, but I saw this story today about a stingray stinging a turtle and wondered what the hell it was doing on a news site. Of course, that question is answered in the fourth paragraph - as if you hadn't already guessed the reason. And the answer, of course, is that the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a stingray recently. So suddenly, anything stingray-related qualifies as news.

Earlier today, I saw two squirrels chasing each other up a tree near my back porch. I was all set to alert the local news media when I remembered something: no celebrities have been chased by a squirrel recently. Hence, the news value of my sighting equals zero.

Of course, had I seen a sharpei running through my backyard, or perhaps eaten some diseased clams last night, I probably could have attracted some media buzz based solely on the recent internet pictures (of the NSFW and/or not-safe-for-not-being-nauseous variey, I should add) of Lindsey Lohan's shriveled-out vadge.

Ah, celebrity worship. So entertaining on it's own, but when it basically dictates what the media reports on as "news" it's a little scary. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to CNN.com's front page to see if there have been any developments in the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son. Hey, it's the main story, it must be important.